Developing resilience, and a bit of personal history...

[ianfitz]

One of our backers, Pennie Latin, read the Journal and posed the question - I can’t help wondering how you find it in you to dig that deep. Is it born or bred?

I don’t think there is a definate answer, but thinking about it led to the words I’ll leave below for a while…





I can't remember exactly what day it was, or what time it was when I woke up. There was so many days like that back then that I’ll never know.

For the first time I wondered how much more of this I could take. I honestly didn’t know anymore. If this was going to be my life I wasn’t sure if I wanted it anymore

It was late on a murky winter days when I finally get up, still tired. Not just tired, washed out, no energy, no interest or desire to do anything. Even bothering to make coffee is too much. Experiencing a kind of numbness, depression, intrusive thoughts and at times crippling anxiety. Those bland words don’t even begin to describe the depths of that dark place. Stuck in an endless cycle of being tired all day, sleeping badly at odd times, crazy fluctuations in body temperature, unexplained aches in my body that had no reason to be there - I wasn't using it like I was used to.

What was the point in carrying on, I can't do anything for myself or anyone else.

A couple of years earlier I'd been running for hours, and hours on the hills of the Peak District training for and completing the ultra-distance mountain running challenges of the Bob Graham and one of the fastest ever Paddy Buckley rounds. But now even getting up in the morning was beyond me. I couldn't work, couldn't look after my family. Could barely look after myself.

At some point surely everyone will be better off without me.

The cause of all this was eventually diagnosed as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS). Persistent physical and mental exhaustion that was overwhelming, usually delayed for longer than normal, it would happen after the most benign exertion and would hang around for days, usually accompanied by a flu-like fever, aches and stomach cramps.

A very understanding, dedicated (and sadly now retired) Doctor, many tests, unbelievable care, love and patience from my family and treatment from the CFS service in Sheffield eventually put me back on track. Although that sentence really doesn't begin to capture what went on during that time. I don't think any words could. It took 2 years, lots of false starts, frustration, tears and determination. At least there was some hope during this time.

Although sometimes though it’s the hope that gets you. Raised expectations and crushing setbacks began a new cycle. A dizzying emotional roller coaster as I would hope for the best, fear the worst and never know how it would play out. Each step forward was followed by an agonising wait, wondering if it had been too much. Again. Then waiting to see if the delayed fatigue and feelings of hopelessness would return. It was never the next day like normal tiredness from overexertion. It would be 2 or 3 days later when it hit. Just far enough away to raise hopes, always thinking that maybe it would be ok this time before the all too familiar soul destroying fog returned.

Part of the treatment was graded exercise therapy (GET). Building up regular but manageable chunks of very carefully monitored exercise. I couldn't run during this time. Well I could, but it was too slow, compared to what I was used to I found it just too frustrating. My first week of GET was a four 7 minute sessions at what is now less than 60% of my working Heart Rate - 135bpm. These days that’s not even a warm up, but back then it was all my malfunctioning body could cope with.

And that is how I got back into mountain bikes. I'd ridden a fair bit as a teenager, back when bikes were all rigid with rim brakes (and 40mm forks were cutting edge for downhill!) but not for the best part of a couple of decades. It was perfect. I had no expectations, could manage my physical intensity but remember or learn skills which was really satisfying. Gradually the GET sessions became longer, more frequent, and I was actually doing 'proper' rides. I’d drive out into the Peak District to do my rides, rediscovering a place where I had climbed, then run, seeing it from a new angle and with fresh eyes. I loved it. During those times I was slowly becoming myself again. I could see a way back. Had found a way back.

I’ve come a long way from those dark and hopeless days. Back then I couldn’t have imagined that any sort of recovery was possible, never mind being able to get a higher level of fitness than ever before. It’s a fragile recovery though and the past is not so far away. The days after a big ride are often filled with half-hidden worries about whether ‘it’ will happen again. The aches and the tiredness are so familiar that it’s easy to fall into the trap of fearing the worst.

The shadow of that time isn’t all bad though. It’s a massive and sometimes forgotten privilege to have a body and mind that work well enough to be put through long back-to back days of bike racing. For context in the HT550 I covered the last 470km/10,000m of Scotland at it’s most rugged in 60 hours with 5 hours of sleep. It doesn’t matter how well trained you are, days like that will hurt you. But I find now that on the bike pain, discomfort, stomach issues all easier to cope with. I’ve seen it all before. Felt it. Lived it. Survived it. I know that I’ve caused this suffering myself by choosing to put myself in that situation. I can just accept it and pedal on. And as for feelings of fatigue during rides, it’s nothing compared to what’s gone before, and can be shut away. At times I can actually enjoy all this discomfort, laugh in the face of it all knowing that I’ve faced worse and have come out the other side. It’s all just stimuli, feedback, I’ll listen to it, take note but it’s my choice how to respond. These days it’s usually a slight nod of the head, a smile to myself and another turn of the pedals.

Maybe the cliché ‘whatever doesn’t kill you will make you stronger’ is true after all?

[Bearbonesnorm]

A lovely insight Ian and I believe, well worth sharing.

Maybe the cliché ‘whatever doesn’t kill you will make you stronger’ is true after all?

I suppose I was pretty much brought up to believe this and at times have probably pushed to see just how near to the edge of the two things it's possible to get. When people describe something as 'character building', then it generally is and does help shape you ... trouble is, it won't always build positive traits of character.

Anyway, in answer to Pennie Latin, I believe the answer is, both. A predisposition helps but you can 'learn' resilience ... you just have to want it enough.

[Richard G]

Amazing how far you've come. Thanks for sharing.

[Moder-dye]

Thanks for sharing Ian

I too was laid low with CFS for several years and written off from a career in teaching. I sold my bikes, climbing and camping gear and everything, even the house to pay for living. I could hardly get out of the house for a year and had some seriously low points.

Pretty much 10 years later of steps forwards and backwards and various 'therapies' including the Leeds CFS clinic and supplements I'm back in full time work as an outdoor access officer and walking and cycling again. I can't see myself managing your feats Ian ,but who knows eventually as things continue to slowly improve...

Good to know I'm not alone and that for anyone else out there, there is always hope. Never give up.

[liamg]

Thanks for sharing Ian.

A couple of years ago, I lived in a house for 4 months with a live-in landlady who had CFS. It was soul destroying to see how little she could manage before having to spend days sleeping just to recover, and made me appreciate just how lucky I was to have my health and be able to venture out and enjoy the world. Hearing that you managed to overcome this and get to the level you have fills me with optimism. I must see how she is getting on...

[slarge]

That's a real open heart story Ian, and thanks for telling it. It's easy to take health and wellbeing for granted when real hardship has never been experienced.

There's a guy in my team with lupus, which is something I know little about, but he is always solid and smiling, even though he feels crap / empty / ill etc. I admire his outlook greatly (even though he bought an Ariel Atom as a present to himself).

[RobMac]

Ian I can really relate to your words

[ianfitz]

Thanks all. It's taken me a long time to be able to write some (many actually) of those words down, and even longer to be able to put them into the public domain. It's not that I was ashamed, I just didn't know where to begin.

It's easy to talk about the times when things have gone well, often we aren't intending to be boastful about sharing those situations, just pleased and proud of what we've done, it's natural to want to share good news with friends, whether they are people you know face to face or people you know online (and some of my best 'real' friends I met online). And often those stories are great for others to read too.

But obviously things don't always go to plan, and sometimes get far from where you'd want them to be. Once things get out of your control and you can no longer simply 'pull yourself together' then as well as determination you need people to help you. I was lucky, very lucky there.

I think if people can take a message from my story its that no matter how desperate your current situation may seem, and believe me I know how utterly grim things can feel, hang in there and take whatever tiny steps to push yourself back to where you need to go. It will be be two steps forwards and one step back but eventually you'll get moving in the right direction.

[Gari]

Very poignant, and incredibly courageous to share that experience. I have an ongoing issue, not dissimilar in effect at least, and I have only just started to tell people(still very few actually). As much as anything due to the fact, as you mention, how do you verbalise it?

[darbeze]

Thank you Ian.

Simon

[Zippy]

Thankyou for sharing Ian.