Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 4

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Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 4

Post by RIP »

Rather than at the "happily covered in cow slurry" post-ride stage, this time you join us at the "meticulous planning" stage. I know, We Don't Do Planning Here, but in this rare case it's essential to the enterprise.

We have to visit our Northern, and final, GR this time: someone's front garden near Woburn Sands railway station (no, definitely not 'train' station) at SP 92407 36446 "prepped.declines.stressed". Then we continue round the fourth arc of the circumference to return to our Eastern GR in the middle of a field next to the M1 in Houghton Regis at TL 03672 25181 “rots.bags.alert”. At which point we have literally come full circle and can claim our I've Been Seven Miles With Boris badges.

Now the straight line (as the Covid/Corvid flies...) chord between N and E passes through some very pleasant quiet countryside, including deer parks, woodlands, little tinkly streams, and slumbering villages that time and progress have passed by. Quite probably there will be some morris-dancing going on somewhere.

Unfortunately, or fortunately considering Pete/Reg's rather unusual proclivities, the arc more or less exactly follows the M1 so we shall be spending most of that rolling along the hard-shoulder of the motorway. <phone rings>. "Hmm? Are you sure? Well OK, we'll have to do the best we can then". Apparently the hard-shoulder is Very Naughty and Bedfordshire Constabulary are not prepared to sanction that so we'll have to use bridleways and other ROW as near as we can to our arc.

Aided by a couple of pints I've printed a map and drawn a green arc on it (doesn't show up very well) plus all the nearby bridleways in pink which we can choose from as we go along. Despite the fact that we can't use the M1 there are still myriad attractions along the route: Woburn Experimental Farm (sounds very dodgy to me), Witts End (yes!) if we bend the rules slightly, M1 Toddington Services, a Motel, Sundon Sewage Works, Sundon Quarry, Sundon Park Industrial Estate, junctions 12 and 11A of the M1 (I know! Yay!), and two electricity substations. Plus of course the actual Lockdown lock that we discovered on the first ride.

If we don't get arrested along the way we'll see you tomorrow evening!

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Last edited by RIP on Fri Mar 05, 2021 9:11 pm, edited 8 times in total.
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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 4

Post by sean_iow »

Good luck :-bd

My boss picked me up for saying train station (he's ex British Rail Civil Engineering Dept) as it's Railway Station.

I must ask him why busses don't go back to the Road Station at night :???:
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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 4

Post by RIP »

sean_iow wrote: Fri Mar 05, 2021 8:37 pm Good luck :-bd
Ta!
My boss picked me up for saying train station (he's ex British Rail Civil Engineering Dept) as it's Railway Station.
Good for him. A sound fellow obviously.
I must ask him why busses don't go back to the Road Station at night :???:
A fair question. To which I don't know the answer.

Thinking about it, I suppose one could also ask why is it "air port" when there's no ships.
Last edited by RIP on Fri Mar 05, 2021 8:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 4

Post by sean_iow »

Or Plane Station as I'd call it :grin:
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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 4

Post by MuddyPete »

RIP wrote: Fri Mar 05, 2021 8:31 pm ... can claim our I've Been Seven Miles With Boris badges....
Yay....we get badges! :-bd :YMPARTY: \:d/
RIP wrote: Fri Mar 05, 2021 8:31 pm ...if we bend the rules slightly...
"The Rules" are not for bending [-X .

But there are many pathways to compliance.
:ugeek: :wink:
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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 4

Post by RIP »

MuddyPete wrote: Fri Mar 05, 2021 8:48 pm But there are many pathways to compliance.
:ugeek: :wink:
Like it, like it! Sadly it's too far down for me after a Whitstable Bay Ruby Ale and a St Peter's Plum Porter! (*)

(*) oh blast, they did say I could have a beer after the jab didn't they? Did they? Too late now. I can see the extra ear growing already.
Last edited by RIP on Tue Mar 09, 2021 11:11 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 4

Post by MuddyPete »

.
You already have a left ear and a right ear; so would this...
RIP wrote: Fri Mar 05, 2021 8:51 pm I can see the extra ear growing already.
...be your "wild frontier"? :roll:

:wink:
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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 4

Post by RIP »

No, I made a mistake, it's actually a thick ear from Mrs P :wink: .
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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 4

Post by MuddyPete »

RIP wrote: Fri Mar 05, 2021 9:38 pm No, I made a mistake, it's actually a thick ear from Mrs P :wink: .
Harsh :oops: .

But fair :wink: .
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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 4

Post by RIP »

RIP wrote: Fri Mar 05, 2021 8:31 pm junction 12 of the M1
I feel bound to point out that this is my most hated road junction in the country - the layout of it, not the usage of it. It's totally over-the-top for its function. I'm sure everyone has theirs :wink: . I think I might take some rotten eggs to throw at it.
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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 4

Post by MuddyPete »

RIP wrote: Fri Mar 05, 2021 11:09 pm
RIP wrote: Fri Mar 05, 2021 8:31 pm junction 12 of the M1
I feel bound to point out that this is my most hated road junction in the country - the layout of it, not the usage of it. It's totally over-the-top for its function. I'm sure everyone has theirs :wink: . I think I might take some rotten eggs to throw at it.
:???: Are you sure? I find M1 junction 11a beats junction 12 hands-down in the "overengineered monstrosity" department. :|

Admittedly: junction 12, with its position next to the quaint village of Toddington, is quite possibly the junction that nobody needs. Especially since 11a was opened, making 12 redundant - perhaps they should demolish it :smile: .

But with it's 3-lane double roundabouts straddling the motorway like a giant pair of tarmac testicles and the woeful imbalance of a single, western, connecting dual carriageway (it's just begging for an eastern dual carriageway to be built, just to restore a bit of balance and aesthetic harmony), 11a is surely the candidate for 1st prize in the "what shall we do with all this spare concrete" competition?

It's like arriving at your canal boat holiday, only to find you've been allocated an aircraft carrier :roll: .
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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 4

Post by TheBrownDog »

I've never understood how people remember the motorway junction numbers. It must be genetic. Or environmental. Or something. I don't drive a great deal but when I do am always befuddled by those electrical signage indicator boards along the motorways that tell you that a motorway that you are not on is closed between two junctions whose numbers mean noting. What am I missing?

BIG EDIT

Pete, is this giant pair of tentistacles you refer to? If not, it's still a dreadful concoction but more like cock'n'balls, I reckon.

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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 4

Post by MuddyPete »

TheBrownDog wrote: Sat Mar 06, 2021 1:43 pm I've never understood how people remember the motorway junction numbers. It must be genetic. Or environmental. Or something. I don't drive a great deal but when I do am always befuddled by those electrical signage indicator boards along the motorways that tell you that a motorway that you are not on is closed between two junctions whose numbers mean noting. What am I missing?

BIG EDIT

Pete, is this giant pair of tentistacles you refer to? If not, it's still a dreadful concoction but more like cock'n'balls, I reckon.

Image
It is a dreadful concocktion but nope, that's M1 junction 12. However: great minds think alick :wink: .

Earlier this morning during some "private Reg-chat" I said to him...

"...Indeed...and an aerial view of J12 suggests a profile cross-section of a rather stumpy (but spectacularly-aroused) phallus 😳. Who'd have thought civil engineers would have such uncivil thoughts? 😁😈".

I wonder if it's proximity to "Bedfordshire Hot Tubs" and "Todgerington" inspired the visiting architects...I think we should be told :wink:.
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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 4

Post by TheBrownDog »

Too funny mate. Stop it. I think I've ruptured something.
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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 4

Post by RIP »

The final chapter in our quadrilogy “State Of The Nation” tour began with Pete’s maiden voyage in his handcrafted recycled/recyclable gilet which put a misleadingly upbeat gloss on the proceedings, with its positive messages of re-use and re-purpose. To me it was even more impressive in that it could be dual-use as well – if Pete had a prang it would act as a very satisfactory airbag. He was well-prepared for our outing, and indeed our nation, to run full-tilt into any physical or metaphorical brick wall. Its efficacy was only slightly impaired by an argument with a door-handle at Pete’s house. It was slightly deflated, rather like our mood.

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Sadly Part 4 was only to reinforce the disappointment and cruelly crushed dreams that are all too often the reality after much-vaunted political promises (aka “lies”) or indeed any type of promise, as we inexorably descended into the dark dystopian nightmare of our own making. And there was absolutely no morris-dancing all day :cry: . Sorry, the political analogies are wearing a bit thin now aren’t they :grin: .

Ironically our departure was delayed by 24 hours due to a slightly unpleasant night after my jab - our ability to continue the project, which had been enabled by Covid restrictions in the first place, being restricted by the enabler of freedom from Covid restrictions… er…

Anyway, after our customary meet-and-greet, off we went northbound to find SP 92407 36446 "prepped.declines.stressed".

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As mentioned previously, a direct chord from the northern GR to the eastern one would have taken in lots of bucolic countryside, but unfortunately the arc was to be the aforementioned dystopic nightmare of Mad Max situations and sloughs of despond (not Slough’s despond – we would have been well lost there). In fact it was discord not chord, matching some people’s feelings about the state of the nation. Still, at least bikepackers setting off two by two was amusingly appropriate for an arc

Almost immediately we were confronted by a new housing estate, an all too familiar case of state-of-the-nation corporate deceit. The Hollywood-style sign proclaimed how for a mere 5% deposit one could live the dream, presumably offering clichéd roses round the door, pipesmoking chap with his wife in the doorway, smell of newly baked bread wafting, cheery postman waving, vicar cycling past, pigtailed milkmaid with her pails overflowing with fresh milk from contentedly cudding cows, new-born lambs gambolling in the fields behind, kids gaily playing hopscotch in the lane etc etc. A smaller sign announced that the development was a "Heritage Collection", which was rather belied by the plethora of imposter BMW Minis, New Beetles, and 2WD Jeeps perched on every spotless driveway: disappointing facsimiles of former proud icons, much like our grey and unpleasant land.

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Unfortunately the Hollywood lettering is likely to mask a rather different 1984, with its post-sale construction defects, Bribe To Buy debt slavery, no way to walk to the shops, 4WD vehicle litter, driveway jetwashers, patio heaters, and pink-halved drainpipes. We didn’t linger.

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Our own inevitable disappointment was not long coming as our direct line north soon dumped us onto a glass-strewn path next to the A5 trunk road, and we were buffeted by passing lorries. Plainly we were not the only sadly-misled couple because coming the other way were two walkers. They had presumably promised themselves a nice country stroll through a sylvan glade of tweeting birds and gambolling bunny rabbits (not gambling bunny rabbits - that would be too dystopian). Unfortunately their reality turned out to be a hike alongside a mile of nose-to-tail trunk road traffic. Curiously they still seem pleased.

A little further on another parked-up couple had presumably promised themselves a romantic tryst of the more bubblingly vigourously athletic variety in a secluded glade of their own somewhere, but in turn their reality had become a backseat liaison in a tinted-windowed vehicle parked in a dead-end section of the old A5. Annoyingly I only discovered this when Pete pointed it out to me 200 yards further down the road. As luck would have it, I suddenly noticed that I’d, er, dropped something just beforehand back down the path so had to go and fetch it, riding very slowly to look out for them, I mean “it”. Tinted windows. Pete must have infrared eyeballs.

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Crossing over the A5 we turned off onto the track through Woburn golf course, with all its holes named after the Duke of Bedford. He actually owns a fair chunk of the county but allows a few old men to knock their balls around as a sop to keep the plebs thinking they have freedom to roam. Executive walk-spoilers promised themselves an afternoon of leisurely sport and their reality turned out to be doffing their caps to his lordship.

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All this reality-intrusion was beginning to get us down a bit so it was nice to subsequently plunge into the lycra-clad maelstrom of mountain-bikers happily hooning around the Woburn trails. This seemed a much better sort of reality, but it didn’t last long as we hammered down a smooth-flowing swoopy doubletrack (copyright STW) to debouch onto another road, bringing us within sight of our northern GR. I noticed that the Station Hotel café was open and needed no second bidding. After requesting a drink and some crisps I saw a box full of goodies with the code-word “Free” marked on it. The very nice lady confirmed that these items were indeed gratis so I selected a J2O and some peanuts. A pleasant conversation ensued until her 5-year old trainee-waitress daughter brought my brew and biscuit.

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This entertaining interlude distracted me so much I ended up stopping outside the wrong house and nearly missing the GR but luckily Pete was on hand to sort me out. Here he is pointing at a gridreferenced bush. A couple of yards further east and we’d have been sitting having more tea and biscuits in someone’s front room.

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Setting off on our arc, we soon had an emergency photographic stop as Pete explained that it was compulsory to have a "Muriel" involved somewhere. What's Mrs Perrin's French penfriend got to do with bikepacking I wondered?

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Slightly further on we passed the little house that I believe to be world’s most sinister building. Don’t know why but it is. While I was pointing it out to Pete, for some reason it also reminded me of that episode of Captain Scarlet when they all turn up to have a meeting with the world president or somebody. They get shown into a similar-looking bungalow the whole of which then proceeds to lower itself into the ground to conceal the meeting. Once the meeting starts, the Mysterons somehow get wind of what’s going on and mysteronise the place so that the ceiling starts coming down onto the meeting below! The spoiler alert of course is that Captain Scarlet turns up in the nick of time, just after the table and chairs have been crushed to matchwood and everyone’s lying flat on the floor with the ceiling touching their ears. As we departed, we drifted into a discussion about what type of dog personality we might be after talking about an acquaintance who displayed all the traits of a live-in-the-microsecond spaniel, never finishing anything and ending up doing the opposite of what they started. This is probably why the ride took 7 hours this time instead of the usual six. Pete offered Labrador but settled with Golden Retriever, the happiest dog in the world (misplaced on this tour :wink: ), and I took over his Lab option. A very old waddly Lab with rheumy eyes and a limp or two…..

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Er, where were we? Oh yes, on our way to investigate the top secret Woburn Experimental Farm. This sounded well dodgy, just the type of place an incisive and probing state of the nation tour should be investigating and exposing. Strangely there were no signs at all outside. Pete explained that this was because it was, er, top secret. I responded that top secret nuclear bunkers always have a sign outside saying Top Secret Nuclear Bunker. Pete claimed they were decoy bunkers and the real ones had no signs. Hmm. We didn’t see any three-headed llamas or any other experiments going on so we’re none the wiser I’m afraid, although I did try an animal-rights-style scaling of the wall which didn’t do my back any good at all.

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A few road sections gave us very little insight into anything other than the fact that it seemed almost impossible to get a road cyclist to either say hello or acknowledge our own greeting. The only one that did had flat bars so he’s as good as being a mountainbiker in my book. Soon it was time for a spot of lunch and we stopped at a wood at Briar’s Stocking. We didn’t notice any sheer leg coverings so satiated our grosser appetites with food instead, including my free J2O after I’d knocked the lid off on a gatepost.

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We followed the Greensand Ridge Way to reach one of my favourite spots where the track merges with a stream for a few hundred yards. Great fun can be had seeing how far along the stream one can ride without getting wet. Pete managed about two feet before succumbing to some new sand deposits so I took note and started ten yards further on and emerged triumphant. Luckily Pete was wearing his bubblewrap lifejacket (gilet and airbag and now lifejacket!) so his life was saved.

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I think the next photo was a fair indication of our recurring state of mind as we wended our way along a maze of twisty little lanes all alike……..

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It wasn’t much further before we were confronted by the monstrosity that is Junction 12 of the M1. In my not-very-humble opinion this carbuncle is the most grossly overengineered road feature on the planet, and that’s in a field of many contenders. Upon our approach along an adjacent field we were totally overwhelmed by being faced with no less than TEN red lights and that was only on ONE direction of ONE of the four sub-junctions.

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Struggling up onto the flyover we saw incredulously how a two-lane minor A-road joining a couple of villages suddenly fanned out into four lanes in one direction and three in the other. Huge further tracts of land were wasted by building the slip roads as sort of long spirals rather than the usual short ramps, with the whole ensemble taking up the space normally reserved for a small town.

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What became of their occupant I ask myself, given their location being almost impossible to reach across a roaring highway….

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I decided to confront my worst demons and actually ride this evil rollercoaster of a road system. My aim was to battle the four-lane madness, taking the hardest-to-reach rightmost lane turning off into a tiny road. Why did this tiny road deserve a lane to itself, complete with lights? What was down there that was so important? It took a lot longer to find out than I expected, as I waited through three cycles of the other lanes’ lights. I just wasn’t getting a go and finally nodded off.

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Turns out that there was ONE house in a dead-end road! What a waste of money. And bizarrely as soon as I managed to turn off (after Pete joined me to jolt the transponder to finally take note of our presence) I was confronted by a No Entry sign as well!! Eh? To me this just summed up the utterly disjointed and perverse state of the nation. Having tried to confront my nemesis I just felt dirty and cruelly abused. The whole situation wasn't helped by a crowd of white vans at the dead-end with their doors open, presumably stolen and relieved of their loads...

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It was time to get out of there, and a bit further on to take a moment to gaze at the pleasuredome that is M1 Toddington Services looming on the horizon. The mirror at the goods entrance sported a little sticker proclaiming “R=2200”. In the current circumstances we felt that R-number was not good to be hanging around in close proximity……

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Things were looking up though. It seemed that we were approaching an SSSI – usually a serene oasis of nature and peacefulness. Unfortunately we’d misinterpreted the acronym. It actually stood for Substation Sewageworks Singletrack Interlude. This delectable thoroughfare picked its way for a mile or so sandwiched between a massive electricity substation on one side and Luton’s sewage works on the other. We pedalled slowly along through this utopia of urban utilities, awestruck at the size of the giant vats of slowly bubbling effluent and ominously buzzing switchgear. The most incongruous feature of all was actually the smallest – a little wooden seat presumably provided for utilities connoisseurs (such as ourselves, undeniably!) to sit and marvel at the wonders laid before them.

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With only a mile or so to go before our eagerly-awaited second visit to our eastern GR, we plodded across windswept fields, half-built housing estates and unfinished roads, and past the M1 junction. We noticed an old couple meandering aimlessly into the sunset of their lives, destined to spend it in the shadow of disappointment cast by M1 Junction 11A, prefabricated industrial units and fabricated heritage homes.

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After witnessing my “fun” at Junction 12, Pete decided to try the “traffic light challenge” himself – here he is utterly baffled as to what to do with the EIGHT signals confronting him. Answer: get off and walk.

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And so, our triumphant return to TL 03672 25181 “rots.bags.alert”. In our honour someone had mowed the whole field! For some reason they had omitted to install the expected red carpet.

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The lockdown lock was still in position, looking enigmatically reminiscent of the black monolith in “2001: A Space Odyssey”. To which alternative reality state of the nation was it a portal? Fittingly my camera battery packed up moments after taking my final picture.

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With the sun setting on our noble ambitions we headed west back to Leighton Buzzard.

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We’d kept it local as defined by Boris and as requested by Leighton-Linslade Town Council.

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“And so we’d come full circle, to repeat the errors of our tragic past…..”…. Our noble enterprise had been originally prompted by the pronouncements from the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom no less, so it is only right and proper that we turn to him once again for the final word on the matter: “My friends, as I have discovered myself, there are no disasters, only opportunities. And, indeed, opportunities for fresh disasters”.
Last edited by RIP on Tue Mar 09, 2021 12:11 pm, edited 4 times in total.
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The sign outside the asylum is the wrong way round.....

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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 4

Post by sean_iow »

I need to say no more than :-bd
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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 4

Post by MuddyPete »

Cheers Sean. Always on the lookout for opportunities for silliness :lol: .

Discovering BoJo's bikepacking quote felt like all the planets coming into alignment \:d/

"My friends, as I have discovered myself, there are no disasters, only opportunities. And, indeed, opportunities for fresh disasters”.

Needs a t-shirt :wink: .
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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 4

Post by JoseMcTavish »

Perfectly bonkers nonsense, which apparently is a spot in a forest 1000 miles east of Moscow...
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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 4

Post by MuddyPete »

JoseMcTavish wrote: Tue Mar 09, 2021 1:37 pm Perfectly bonkers nonsense, which apparently is a spot in a forest 1000 miles east of Moscow...
What3Words location - Indeed it is, near Visim :-bd .
There appears to be a notable absence of executive heritage homes in the vicinity and it possibly lacks the aesthetic variety one finds in the Luton "hinterland". :ugeek:

And it is quiiiiiite a long way to go for a 7-mile radius circular bimble :???: .

When are we going? :d
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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 4

Post by ledburner »

Brillig,


.... Though for the life in me, i can't rememember how to spelt it or what it means.
we take it to mean brilliant.
I hope you think you know, what I might of exactly meant.
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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 4

Post by RIP »

Well we certainly did a lot of gyring and gimbling.
"My God, Ponsonby, I'm two-thirds of the way to the grave and what have I done?" - RIP

The sign outside the asylum is the wrong way round.....

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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 4

Post by RIP »

ledburner wrote: Wed Mar 10, 2021 1:04 am Brillig,


.... Though for the life in me, i can't rememember how to spelt it or what it means.
we take it to mean brilliant.
Humpty Dumpty says it means "four o'clock in the afternoon... before dinner".

I always went with "a dark and stormy night at full moon in a wind-blown wood with flashes of lightning and strange noises in the undergrowth".

The point being I guess that it can mean whatever you want :smile:
"My God, Ponsonby, I'm two-thirds of the way to the grave and what have I done?" - RIP

The sign outside the asylum is the wrong way round.....

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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 4

Post by ledburner »

RIP wrote: Wed Mar 10, 2021 9:45 am
ledburner wrote: Wed Mar 10, 2021 1:04 am Brillig,


.... Though for the life in me, i can't rememember how to spelt it or what it means.
we take it to mean brilliant.
The point being I guess that it can mean whatever you want :smile:
Unless I don't. :-bd :grin: :lol:
I hope you think you know, what I might of exactly meant.
Warning - may contain value odded typos & ither mythspellings..
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