Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 3

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Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 3

Post by RIP » Tue Feb 23, 2021 1:45 am

Just back. I can't explain how utterly appalling parts of that ride were! I suppose we'll have to eventually but it's going to be a nightmare revisited - EU-exit, Bay Of Pigs, Miners Strike, Perrin Marital Tiff all rolled into one. At one point we were up to our calves in cow sh1t for hundreds of yards on end. Or was it up to our cows in calf sh1t I can't remember. Both wheels totally gunged and not turning as we pushed and dragged alternately. Traumatised we are. I need a lie-down and bawl my eyes out like a big baby. Those boots are going to be incinerated tomorrow, it's the only way.
"My God, I'm two-thirds of the way to the grave and what have I done?" - RIP

"It is in the petty details, not in the great results, that the interest of existence lies" - JKJ

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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 3

Post by MuddyPete » Tue Feb 23, 2021 1:54 am

Indeed! It was the most glutinous, tacky, foul-smelling farmyard slurry I've ever encountered and we pushed through it for an hour :shock: .

I had to undress in the garden as my clothes stink of fetid canal :YMSICK: .

And how can fields be so waterlogged? :o

I'm so traumatised, it's driven me to chocolate :lol: .

Great ride: can't wait for Part 4 :-bd .
May you always have tail wind.

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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 3

Post by BigdummySteve » Tue Feb 23, 2021 6:43 am

Sounds like fun :-bd
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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 3

Post by SeannyD » Tue Feb 23, 2021 4:21 pm

:lol: :lol: All 3 parts Brilliant, fair cheered me up :-bd

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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 3

Post by RIP » Tue Feb 23, 2021 4:49 pm

SeannyD wrote:
Tue Feb 23, 2021 4:21 pm
:lol: :lol: All 3 parts Brilliant, fair cheered me up :-bd
Ta. Gory details of Pt 3 coming up soon..... shield your eyes....
"My God, I'm two-thirds of the way to the grave and what have I done?" - RIP

"It is in the petty details, not in the great results, that the interest of existence lies" - JKJ

"At least you got some stories" - James Acaster

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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 3

Post by Verena » Tue Feb 23, 2021 7:12 pm

I'll keep some room freshener spray ready when I read it

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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 3

Post by BigdummySteve » Tue Feb 23, 2021 10:17 pm

Verena wrote:
Tue Feb 23, 2021 7:12 pm
I'll keep some room freshener spray ready when I read it
I think this may also be required

Image

And what a superb and possibly accurate name for a ‘beer’ :-bd
We’re all individuals, except me.

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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 3

Post by Verena » Tue Feb 23, 2021 11:20 pm

BigdummySteve wrote:
Tue Feb 23, 2021 10:17 pm
Verena wrote:
Tue Feb 23, 2021 7:12 pm
I'll keep some room freshener spray ready when I read it
I think this may also be required

Image

And what a superb and possibly accurate name for a ‘beer’ :-bd
:lol: Ahhh I remember that one...just about... :lol:

O now you've gone and made me miss pubs! If you're ever in Brecon, it's the Brecon Tap you want to visit...

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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 3

Post by BigdummySteve » Tue Feb 23, 2021 11:57 pm

As long as they have puddings, I’m still traumatised by seeing Pickers face when the ‘Dragons Back’’ at Pengenffodd declared that all puddings were off as they were busy! :shock:
Broken he was and never been the same since, besides the Reg incident it’s probably one of the chaps worst cycling mishaps.
We’re all individuals, except me.

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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 3

Post by Verena » Wed Feb 24, 2021 7:37 am

BigdummySteve wrote:
Tue Feb 23, 2021 11:57 pm
As long as they have puddings, I’m still traumatised by seeing Pickers face when the ‘Dragons Back’’ at Pengenffodd declared that all puddings were off as they were busy! :shock:
Broken he was and never been the same since, besides the Reg incident it’s probably one of the chaps worst cycling mishaps.
You know, a few mates of mine stayed there for a walking weekend a d had a similarly traumatic experience there....they've been avoiding the whole area ever since....

New Inn in Bwlch is excellent, food is amazing proper home cooked pub grub, bunk house attached so you can literally roll from your bar stool to your bunk...and they weren't at all bothered, neither were the other guests, when our group released about ten dogs in the small bar later on in the evening. Total mayhem it was :lol:

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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 3

Post by MuddyPete » Wed Feb 24, 2021 7:33 pm

Part 3 - In which our heroes discover the source of political ideology.

To add variety we decided Part 3 should involve a clandestine reconnaissance of the RAF Wing chicken base as part of the search-and-rescue mission for Reg's lost map, promptly departing LBZ's political HQ at 18:00hrs.

Don't believe everything you see
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Still trying to press the flesh with the proletariat
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Our previous sorties to the limits of our range had taken 6 hours each, so it was lightly-loaded P7's of the LBBB Expeditionary Farce that taxied past the roundabout, then took off at dusk down the High Street into the gathering gloom. With only limited supplies of mint cake, nutty bars and hot beverage we knew we'd be operating near the limits of our endurance. The forecast was for light winds, drizzle, and temperatures lowering to 4°C with a clear sky. Perfect cover for our intentions. We cruised as close to ground level as conditions allowed, avoiding direct contact with hostile traffic (by cycling on the footpath).

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At Wing village we broke away from the primary arterial route and pursued a trail Reg's intelligence-gathering had identified as worthy of exploitation. We swooped past vehicles with unusually flamboyant markings.... :YMPARTY:

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Green shoots of recovery?
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 .... to the gated entrance of a large isolated property with viciously-enthusiastic guard dogs, then peeled left into the undergrowth and sanctuary of the bridleway. It was our first engagement with a common adversary: Chilterns mud; of the most cloying, slurry-logged and fetid variety.
Reg (frustrated) - "What on earth do they do on these bridleways? Spend all day riding up and down on them?",
Pete (philosophical) - "Er, yep, probably...that's what they're for",
Reg (deflated) - "You have a point <sigh>" :roll: .

After a couple of hundred splashy metres evading the hounds we emerged onto the road then headed for Hoggeston at bimblespeed, accompanied by a maelstrom of mud ejected from our wheels. The silhouette of RAF Wing chicken base loomed ever closer and stealth-mode Reg decided the optimal approach would be to sneak along the perimeter cheeky trail, rather than blaze through the main security gates in all our blinky-lighted fabulousness. I was disappointed, but bowed to his superior knowledge on such matters, just as Reg switched on all his searchlights to take a photo of the reflective lorry trailers lined up on the old runway. Very stealth :roll: .

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Onwards we trudged. On Wing Commander Perrin's order we again suppressed our lights as we approached the 16 rows of vast industrial chicken accommodation blocks. We briefly scouted for guards (maintaining a holding pattern by pedalling round in circles), before advancing towards the objective :-SS .
The place was eerily quiet, with only the tick of our hubs and the low thrum of industrial extractor fans pumping huge invisible clouds of biological chicken aromas from inside the vast hangars into the unsuspecting night sky :YMSICK:.
The dim glow of occasional security lights increased the illicit tone of our endeavour as we trundled by, eyes keen and ears pricked for instant challenge and the possibility of ensuing mayhem. And then...nothing. Pausing momentarily to record our success for posterity.... :-bd :lol:

RegNinja
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... we made off up the runway, engaging in abstract evasive manoeuvres whilst keeping our eyes peeled for Reg's map, particularly at the point of the "Wadergate" incident during our previous excursion. Alas: it was futile. The map remained lost, so we made haste along the muddy taxiway and off into the nocturnal vastness, ever closer towards Hoggeston.

Passing our previous refuelling stop (Hoggesden churchyard steps) we banked right down a rough lane towards a series of gates and stiles approaching our westerly destination.

At the huge inflatable slurry tank (a vast swimming pool of misery if ever there was one) we shouldered the P7's and cautiously navigated the narrow double stiles, careful not to touch anything contaminated with slurry or Coronavirus. The success of this manoeuvre was somewhat limited, as I just transferred the vile liquid (and solids) from my bike to my right side, from neck to ankle :YMSICK: :YMSICK: .

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Successfully across, we briefly pedalled round aimlessly in different directions before rendezvousing at a kissing gate on a narrow slippery bridge between two especially spiky hedges. Now only 100m from our western objective we slogged slightly up High Havens (possibly the world's soggiest hill), to stand triumphant and celebrate our modest achievement with warming alcoholic refreshments.

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Back through the gate/hedge/stile/slurry obstacles we rode north along the bridleway towards Station X. Last time we were here the ground was frozen solid, smooth and we would have made fast progress. Tonight was a very different affair due to the magic of rain, drizzle, mild temperatures and agricultural run-off all stirred enthusiastically by the passage of numerous tractors. With slim, knobbly tyres I made slow, steady progress but Reg's rubbery chubbiness ground him to a halt in places. We reconvened at the hilltop, exasperated, then wobbled slowly past the end of the tractor ruts to a gate. The next field seemed easier, as the bridleway skirted the edge, but the saturated ground compounded our difficulties as we sank into the grass. Pushing now, in RSF spirit, we aimed for the lights a mile distant and just plodded. I sensed frost forming underfoot as my mud-smeared spectacles steamed-up, rendering them utterly useless.

Through field after field, progress slowed as the cloying effluent adhered to our bikes and then to itself, growing in volume logarithmically until wheels no longer turned and we were dragging stinking bike-shaped mud sculptures. Our steeds were "essential crutch" one moment, "fetid stumbling block" the next. Verily: we had reached the source of modern political ideology and were immersed in the very essence of parliamentary discourse. It was not a pleasant experience :YMSICK:.

With Reg's commendable navigation skills we eventually we arrived at the long cinder trail to the road, allowing mounted progress despite the bikes pebbled-dashing themselves to twice their weight. Once at the road we acquired suitable sticks and whiled away some time scraping mud from our undercarriages.

Back on the road we made swift progress to NCN 51, then east-ish to Station X with mud flinging from the bikes like an organic RADAR countermeasure.

Station X (Bletchley Park WW2 cipher museum) is an excellent day out and we were hoping for a photo opportunity next to something iconic. Disappointingly (or reassuringly), it was protected by heavy-duty security fence and guards, who enquired firmly about our presence. They confirmed the perimeter is disappointingly modern, but pointed us to a sign that would serve our purpose.

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Evidence gathered, we made haste towards our northern objective (a front garden near Woburn Sands level crossing) and relished how the speed we could obtain on the cycleways was a delightful contrast to the tedium of the previous hours.

After several minor, unintended, explorations of Milton Keynes' myriad neuvo-middle class housing estates we rendezvoused successfully in Woburn Sands. Reg ensured our arrival was declared with shock and awe by inadvertently shining his 1000 lumen strobe light through the windows of the house in front of us :shock: , whilst blaming me for inconsiderate lighting etiquette. I was beyond caring at this point and focussed on deploying my latest weapons in the battle to maintain one's moral fibre: my miniature espresso maker and micro-danglemug. A mere 60 seconds later I was enjoying a tiny cup of delight and declared myself fit for the homeward phase of our expedition.

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Refreshed and with rejuvenated reserves of moral fibre, we pressed-on homeward bound up Woburn big hill, down Sandy Lane past gently-oscillating cars enclosing their own clandestine activities :shock: , through the local woods past the tea hut and back to LBZ political HQ. It was bang-on midnight.

I'm not allowed to say how many P7's took part in the ride, but I counted them all out and I counted them all back. Their riders were unhurt, cheerful and jubilant, giving the thumbs-up sign.

Onwards, to part 4...
May you always have tail wind.

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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 3

Post by RIP » Wed Feb 24, 2021 8:25 pm

:lol: excellent write-up there our Pete, some great lines. You've gone all cabbage-crates-over-the-briny which makes a nice change from the political angle.

Only problem is it reminds me of the Armstrong & Miller WW2 pilots: "Pete couldn't make me go, cos that is illegal yeah, and anyway I has a note from my mum and this and that and everything else, and I is not even lying. And I can’t get my trousers skanky and dirty in those fields cos they is hench, fo’ sho’, and I don’t want to get no issues round that, you know what I’m saying blud? But I is well hardcore and sh1t so I went anyway. You know what I’m saying? Isn’t it though, isn’t it. Standard.
What on earth do they do on these bridleways?
I think the reason I wondered about it was because it was totally isolated from any others and I was visualising them perhaps being dropped off at 9am with their nags and riding back and forth along that short length all day :smile: .
chicken sheds.. sneak along the perimeter cheeky trail, rather than blaze through the main security gates
Mmm.. I was a bit worried that the sheds might contain a secret weapon - maybe fowl-sized planes disguised as chickens that the enemy might use to drop tiny egg bombs onto us. I was going to warn you that there might be ghostly Wellingtons at 7 o'clock - I meant planes not boot-clad security men :lol: - but didn't want to induce panic in my pilot :smile: .
stiles
I can't believe that hoiking a reeking bike over stiles, ploughing through 6"-deep cow slurry (wish I'd taken the waders from last time!!), or falling off slippery plank bridges in the pitch blackness is reasonable behaviour for a 62-year old gentleman of advancing years. Madness - says Mrs P :wink:
Milton Keynes roundabouts
This sign was a corker - I'd be stuck there all night trying to work out where to drive if I was faced with it!

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I loved your mini cup and mini espresso maker - very incongruous brewing up on the pavement! Talking of which, my flashing light faux-pas was because the battery was low and it switches into strobe mode. Still, at least it caused some amusing curtain-twitching!

At least we JUST made it back before we turned into bikepacking pumpkins - 6 hours on the dot :-bd

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A broken man.... realising that he still has one more sortie to go... and we are the "Twenty Minuters"... :smile:

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Last edited by RIP on Wed Feb 24, 2021 10:41 pm, edited 9 times in total.
"My God, I'm two-thirds of the way to the grave and what have I done?" - RIP

"It is in the petty details, not in the great results, that the interest of existence lies" - JKJ

"At least you got some stories" - James Acaster

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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 3

Post by MuddyPete » Wed Feb 24, 2021 8:49 pm

RIP wrote:
Wed Feb 24, 2021 8:25 pm
Image
Waddaya mean there's another one?
:lol:
May you always have tail wind.

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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 3

Post by Landslide » Wed Feb 24, 2021 9:13 pm

Once at the road we acquired suitable sticks and whiled away some time scraping mud from our undercarriages.
Sounds like the bikes could have done with some of that too.

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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 3

Post by Verena » Wed Feb 24, 2021 11:46 pm

Landslide wrote:
Wed Feb 24, 2021 9:13 pm
Once at the road we acquired suitable sticks and whiled away some time scraping mud from our undercarriages.
Sounds like the bikes could have done with some of that too.
Ewww :lol:

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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 3

Post by thenorthwind » Thu Feb 25, 2021 12:11 pm

MuddyPete wrote:
Wed Feb 24, 2021 7:33 pm
mud flinging from the bikes like an organic RADAR countermeasure
Brilliant =))

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Re: Pete & Reg's State Of The Nation Tour - Part 3

Post by MuddyPete » Thu Feb 25, 2021 11:47 pm

thenorthwind wrote:
Thu Feb 25, 2021 12:11 pm
MuddyPete wrote:
Wed Feb 24, 2021 7:33 pm
mud flinging from the bikes like an organic RADAR countermeasure
Brilliant =))
Cheers :-bd .

It was craptacular :lol: . Type 2 fun, concentrated. The most I've had in a long time.
May you always have tail wind.

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